Five movies I won’t ever watch and why

By Connor McCoy

Copy Editor

 

Why the hell are there so few interesting-looking movies coming out between now and the end of June? It’s mostly just really dumb-looking horror movies, extremely mindless rom-coms and very generic action movies. Seriously, almost none of these movies sound even remotely interesting.

I know I’m being dramatic, but too often when I see trailers for movies I almost audibly groan because they look so dumb.

The following are five movies coming out this year that I really do not want to see:

The Clackamas Print's Copy Editor, Connor. He wears a green hoodie with the text PSU, and has a blue cap. He has a brown beard, and large black glasses. He looks to the right of the camera, lips pursed in frustration.

Connor is frustrated with several upcoming movies. Photo by Evan Tichenor

“Tarot”: So, “Tarot.” Why is it that whenever I see a trailer for a supernatural horror film it looks like the most uninspired and uninteresting thing that’s ever been made? I don’t why this is the case, but the premises of these films seem so formulaic: they take something that isn’t horror-related, add ghosts and/or magic to it, and then have the main characters screw around with it. That’s it. That pretty much describes the premise of most current horror movies and “Tarot” looks to be no exception.

The Clackamas Print's Copy Editor, Connor. He wears a green hoodie with the text PSU, and has a blue cap. He has a brown beard, and large black glasses. His hand is on his face, and he has a close-eyed look of frustration.

Connor is tired of certain aspects of the movie business. Photo by Evan Tichenor

“Trigger Warning”: The thing about “Trigger Warning,” a movie about a veteran with PTSD who inherits a bar, is that it doesn’t sound like anything that hasn’t been done before. To be clear, I am not saying it looks bad because the main character has PTSD. The problem is that the movie doesn’t sound original. Hell, the film was literally described as a cross between “First Blood” and “John Wick.” I mean, to be fair, action movies aren’t exactly the realm of innovation or originality, but there have been recent action movies with more original concepts than this. Also, the title is really stupid. “Trigger Warning” sounds like the name of some old man’s tirade about how weak this generation is after people got mad at him for saying a racial slur.

The Clackamas Print's Copy editor, Connor. He wears a green hoodie with the text PSU, and has a blue cap. He has a brown beard, and large black glasses. He has an angry expression.

Connor is angry about the current state of the movie business. Photo by Evan Tichenor

“A Family Affair”: This movie, about a young woman whose mother is dating her boss,  sounds like it has absolutely no substance to it. Even the information on it that I’ve found is bland and lackluster. The most thorough information I have makes it sound like the film has a lot of sex scenes. No thanks. I don’t want to see that. When I watch a movie, I want to watch an actual movie, not people just having a lot of sex. Naked people in bed together is not a substitute for actual plot.

The Clackamas Print's Copy Editor, Connor. He wears a green hoodie with the text PSU, and has a blue cap. He has a brown beard, and large black glasses. He has an angry expression, with teeth bared and eyes staring upwards.

Connor is really angry about how movies are being handled. Photo by Evan Tichenor

“Mother of the Bride”: “Mother of the Bride” is not, despite its name, a gender-swapped remake of “Father of the Bride.” However, I still wouldn’t call it “original” because the premise lacks any sort of creativity at all whatsoever. It’s about a woman whose daughter is marrying the son of her ex. Honestly, a gender-swapped version of “Father of the Bride” sounds more intriguing, and I’ve never even seen that movie.

The Clackamas Print's Copy Editor, Connor. He wears a green hoodie with the text PSU, and has a blue cap. He has a brown beard, and large black glasses. He has his hand pinching the bridge of his nose as he looks away from the camera.

Connor is exasperated by the final movie he’s reviewed. Photo by Evan Tichenor

“The Idea of You”: I was reading the premise of this film, which is about a woman in her 40s who is dating a member of a boy band, and as soon as I read the words “boy band” I immediately lost interest. Ads for this movie are so bad. They consist of the two main characters looking at each other and saying “Hi.” That’s all. If that’s the most interesting part of the movie, I’d hate to imagine how the rest of it goes.

I realize I may have picked some easy targets. After all, three of these films are rom-coms. It’s easy to talk smack about rom-coms, but that’s because they all follow the same basic plot structure and don’t really deviate from it. I’m not exaggerating.

Maybe these movies will be good. Maybe. But I wouldn’t hold my breath.

 

 

Connor McCoy

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